Usap kailangan mo? Wag na. Ok na ko eh.
Sa totoo lang pwede naman eh.
Maarte lang ako at malabo ka naman.
Malabo ang mata nating dalawa.
Malabong may marating ang usapan.
Babalik lang… lahat.
Sa totoo lang pwede naman eh.
Maarte lang ako at malabo ka naman.
Malabo ang mata nating dalawa.
Malabong may marating ang usapan.
Babalik lang… lahat.
Kalimutan mo ang mga bagsak na grado… kalimutan mo ang asong kumagat sa ‘yo… kalimutan mo ang sinabi ng tatay mo… kalimutan mo ang paghihimutok ng kapitbahay mo… wag lang… ito.
Sinabi mo, sa tulong ng kwadernong tago-tago mo na natagpuan ko sa ilalim ng kama mo, handa kang sumugal para dito. Hindi mo man alam ang patutunguhan, hindi ka man sigurado sa kahihinatnan… hindi ko sana gustong basahin ni mabanggit man lang mga salita.
At sinumbatan mo ‘ko. Tulad ko sila, tulad ko s’ya. Itinatatwa ang mga bagay na may halaga sa ‘yo. Hindi kita itinaboy, at hindi rin naman pinagbigyan.
Pinaasa.
Pinaasa.
At ngayong handa na ko, sumuko ka na. Kaninong kasalanan? Kanila? Akin? Iyo? Wala na ngang oras para pagsisihan pa.
Wala na.
Wala na.
I lose. You win. You never care.
Sana kaya kong sabihin kung gaano ako nasasaktan ngayon. Ni minsan hindi ko nagawang sabihin sa ‘yo yung patungkol sa mga fail na relasyong kinasangkutan ko. Malamang magagalit ka pag nalaman mo. Pero talagang ang sakit sakit. Pakiramdam ko karma to sa pamamangka mo sa dalawang ilog noon. Diba? Halos magkalapit lang kami ng edad ni Kuya? Ang gwapo mo kasi.
Hindi naman kagwapuhan tong lalaking kinalolokohan ko. Loko-loko lang talaga s’ya. At di ko alam kung talaga nga bang mahal n’ya ko. Mahal n’ya daw kami pareho. Takot naman akong magtanong kung sinong mas matimbang, dahil alam ko kung anong sagot.
Gusto ko na talagang umuwi. Nandyan kasi yung mga taong totoong nagmamahal. Yung hindi nang-aabuso. Yung hindi nagpapaasa sa wala.
You’re currently watching Skyrim-something as I’m typing this. I don’t know what I’m doing, or I don’t know why I’m doing this. I was thinking of breaking up with you since last week, because I thought there’s no sense in going on, because I felt I was betraying everyone. But I can’t fucking do it. It didn’t feel good when I learned you’re engaged. It may be char-char like what the girlfriend said, but I can’t help feeling bad about it, because you know, we can never tell. The next thing after engagement is marriage. You, marrying the woman you’ve been with for these past years – I want to just throw away the thought, hug you and make out with you. It’s too immature of me to think like that, but that’s how this relationship started, anyway. We made out and that’s it.
I don’t know if this thing’s going to stay forever, but whatever. I love being with you. I love smoking when it’s just the two of us. I love to watch you as you sleep. I would love to have a son with you and we’ll name him Monkey D. Luffy. I’m lurking at your facebook account. I see that you’re sort of romantic. The girlfriend is indeed very lucky to have you, to have your heart in her hands. I, on the other hand, can only be satisfied in the intertwining of our fingers, or the random hugs we give each other. It’s impossible for us to have that kind of love you two had. You seemed unbreakable, and no matter how much I wanted this relationship to surpass that unbreakable relationship of yours, it won’t happen. Because we’re not fit as couples for life. We can never be a couple. Never.
And that thing alone hurts me more than your exchange of I-love-you’s.
Lablab,
Yam
People change without anyone’s permission. They may be sweet and nice for now. The next day, they would be very cold and indifferent. It’s 10 minutes before 6 as I’m typing these words. I didn’t get enough sleep and I don’t feeel like getting up at the moment. I’m being sentimental for the past few hours and everything I say doesn’t make sense. I’m supposed to be happy and energetic. I’m left with only a few weeks before I can finally go home. Yay yay, I’m supposed to feel excited. I’m supposed to be optimistic. But surely, you can’t force yourself to feel what you’re supposed to feel when actually, what you feel is the exact opposite.
Maybe it’s not about going home. I’m turning 20 next year and I can’t bear the thought of it. I’m missing a lot of people and I missed quite a lot of events in my hometown for the past months.
And I should definitely lessen my caffeine intake.
1. You were like the ocean, when I once thought I was a river. No matter where the current of my water streamed, the path always led back to you.
Of course, I was wrong. You were no ocean.
You were just a single teardrop that trickled down my left eye. Within a mere half-minute, you were gone.
2. We used to anticipate days that began with the sight of each other’s faces.
You are so beautiful when you sleep.
(The sheets beside me are empty. I find them more beautiful that way.)
You are so beautiful in my dreams.
(Before I close my eyes and surrender to sleep, I think of nothing. Now, I only wake up from an elapsed blankness.)
3. I always sang to the moon, hoping it could illuminate your features enough to let me see you even from a distance.
You left, yet the moon is still up there gleaming every evening of our lives apart.
I have already forgotten the words to my song.
Salamat na lang.
Salamat na lang.
Putanginang yan. Engaged na sya. S’ya na. S’ya na talaga.
